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Havok [Jan. 3rd, 2009|01:34 pm]
[Current Location |Reality]
[mood |determineddetermined]
[music |xbishopx - wreck]

Sometimes going back over things I write I impress myself. I always forget what I write as in the end everything I write is just written as I go. No separate journal to write and collect my thoughts in. Just one to throw it all out there at once and see what design it makes. Think of it like the little paint trick you did as a kid. You spin the paper and just throw paint at it to see what kind of design is made. No two designs are ever the same. Thus you get true works of random individuality.

Been a little bit since I posted in here. Actually some what I am posting now as I am doing it from a friend's place. To say my life has decently spun out of control is an understatement of the greatest proportions. Forgive me as I do not feel like listing out the issues of reality. We all live our lives and we all know far too well the greatness of life's hatred.

I will discuss the things going right with the world. Those are the things that need all the focus. Concentrate on them, find what makes them work, develop that into your life, and then make everything in the world right. Everyone focuses on those things in life that drain you and bring you down. Sometimes this will cause you to miss the cure directly in front of you. As the cells divide and heal all you see are the plague infested groups in the back. Do not over look the simple cure because you cannot believe it exists.

I have cut many people from my life and highly altered my state of mind. As I watch those I called friends fall into the flames I smile as they join the shes of friends past. I have found some good friends in the process who I have kept around. Part of me felt bad I tried to push them away as they did show they can be there for me and I for them. You have to pull the curtain once in awhile to see that while the wizard is not all you thought he still has knowledge and help that can get you where you want to go.

I have also definitely altered my attitude in life. I allowed people to get under my skin and make me feel like I was not who I should be. I stripped away the tainted flesh to see how they have ripped at me. My ego was killed, my faith devoured, and all sense was simply burned off. My friends know my nickname is God and I got this name for a reason. I earned this name with my knowledge, sense, skills, and wants. I found it is time to stop being the person the world wanted and time to start being the edged guy that got me where I am in life.

Only hard part in life now is I am going to remove someone from my life who meant the world to me. A person so amazing I would do anything for her. They stole my heart right out from under me and I would have laid down my life for them. The amount of money I have spent on them alone trying to help them out amazes me. The number of times this person has hurt me though and made me feel like useless scum has become too high. Time to make the final big changes and get my life back where I want to be.

If you have survived this long through my rant and mixed thoughts then please take this piece of advise; Life is never easy and the only way to face the world is with your feet strongly planted in the earth screaming that you belong and you will not be moved. Do not take crud from anyone, do not let society dictate who you should be, and do not change who you are to please someone. Be you and be proud that it is who you are. No matter what you are called or how people look at you just stay true to yourself and you will find the life you deserve.
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One More Void [Dec. 1st, 2008|02:04 pm]
[mood |depresseddepressed]

Life works like a game. Something I have said time and time again. Every piece has it's own movements. I find it funny though that in life not everyone plays the same game and there are not set rules. There are the rules some people try to live by, but in the end many people in this world like to cheat, bluff, and confuse you.

I have a diverse group of friends to say the least. I have the nerds who have never been kissed to the hookers. I have sweet people who would bend over backwards and give you their shirt and the ones who would laugh as you burned in a car while recording it to become a youtube star. I like them all for one reason or another, but as time rolls on my want and ability to put up with them grows thin.

Lately I have been watching my friends as I cut people from my life. Only to realize a fact that makes me laugh more than anything else. That I cannot think of one friend who at some point has not used me, lied to me, talked behind my back, or simply treated me like a fool. This is why I hold only about 6 people close to my heart. Sadly none of these people are my family. That is a topic for later though.

As I look at these friends closely I can definitely see the flaws in the armor. The one who over reacts, the one who dreams to high, the one who is leveled yet lost, the one who goes nowhere but is happy, the oldest who acts like a child, and the one who is too cold to be human. These flaws make me love them. They make them my friends. They make them my family. Everyone of them can find that way to annoy me and make me not want to be around them anymore.

My favorite thing for people I love to do is to critique my life. To explain I am too emotional while another explains I am too cold. To have someone tell me I am an asshole and have another tell me I am sweet as honey. The saying, "you can please some of the people all the time, all the people some of the time, but never all of the people all the time" really knew what it was talking about. I am never not amazed how everyone can see the same picture but so many people see different things.

Does this make me a human ink blot where I live my life and watch how people see my actions? Will they think I am nice or mean? Ugly or beautiful? Perfect or deeply flawed? Then again I have to wonder why do I even wonder what they think. Does it matter if one woman sees a bat in the ink while another sees a flower? Will their opinion determine who I am?

Truth is yes it will. No matter how distant people may think I am if I care for you I care about your opinion of me. The person I met at a party who hates me but I don't know? Yes I could care less about him. The friend who I hugged when the world around them crashed? That is the person who with no more than a word could lay my soul before the world wrapped in light or bury it beneath the ground being gnawed on by vermin.

As time goes on I feel the waves from my friend eroding me down to nothing. The situational friendship bothers me. Being told I can be told anything only to find so could almost everyone else. A secret is not special if you tell anyone who will listen. You do not make someone feel better by explaining they were 10th on a list of people to call and the rest said no. You do not help a friend by dragging them where they don't want to go without asking because you just wanted to go. You do not show love to a friend by calling when you need someone or something and then forget them until the next time. You do not help a friend by promising something and then right at the edge pulling back so they fall.

I am sick of dealing with the so called friends and tired of this wretched world. A game is being played where five year olds flip the board and while you watch your opponents re-arrange the pieces. I am getting closer and closer to just laying down my pieces and forfeiting my game. Let the world play on as I watch it go by. There is no point to playing if no one even knows how to.
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Accusing [Nov. 17th, 2008|10:22 am]
[Current Location |Work (as usual)]
[mood |curiouscurious]
[music |Sounds of Godfather 2 being tested behind me]

This very much interested me to see what other people would say about me and if anyone knows me well enough to guess what i think I would be arrested for.

If you saw ME in a police car, what would you think I got arrested for?

Answer me, then post to your own journal and see how many crimes you get accused of.
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A Genetic Opera? [Nov. 11th, 2008|09:31 am]
[Current Location |Work]
[mood |productiveproductive]
[music |Zydrate Anatomy - Repo! The Genetic Opera]

So as everyone should know I am a fan of b-movies and the cult flicks that make parents think their kids will be cross dressers for watching. Mainstream puts out a few flicks I do like this is not something I deny, however, the truly favorite films of mine are the ones that are different from all the rest. The ones that bend a bit of reality.

This would include some of the great ones such as Evil Dead and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Are these even a question on anyone's list of cult favorites? Now this is of course ignoring the entire argument that these are technically no longer cult as they have become completely mainstream, been brought back hundreds of times, and are still show quite publically to this day. The cult aspect as sort of worn off them, but yes that argument aside it is an example of what I like.

Now of course I also go the road of the bit weirder. Things such as Sleepaway Camp, Return of the Killer Tomatoes, a little bit of Mirror Mask (not really cult but still not mainstream), and you can throw in quite a few others. These are the films I watch quite often as these are the different ones. The ones with the twists. The ones you have to tell people about and then let them borrow because no matter how old they are they still have not seen them. In some cases haven't even heard of them.

So in the spirit of teaching people of the new cult sensations in the hopes people will support the cult films so they keep going I bring you the newest obsession. Repo! The Genetic Opera. A movie set about 50 years in the future where people buy organs from a major company called Gene Co. Now when you fail to make a payment then they will come and repo what you can no longer afford. The entire film is a musical with barely no spoken words in it and most are all sung. For those wondering this used to be a musical play way off broadway. It has gained enough fans that even before the first showing people downloaded the soundtrack and went to film festivals ready to sing knowing all the lyrics.

If you get the chance I would suggest checking out their site. Repo! The Genetic Opera official site The site has clips, the trailer, items to buy, and the entire soundtrack online that you can download or listen to for free. It also does list the very limited dates and cities the movie will be showing in. Give it a chance and maybe join a cult experience before the rest of the world catches on.
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Keeper of the Sins [Nov. 10th, 2008|08:56 am]
[Current Location |Work]
[mood |mischievousmischievous]
[music |silence of thoughts]

Stop for a moment and look around you. Now think about your friends and family. Then think about your job (if you have one) and your personal career. Once you have done all that think about what is your place on this world and in this existence. Do you know what your place is in all of this?

I actually do know my place in all of this. I am the new age version of the serpent in the Garden of Eden. There are of course a few changes, but when all is said and done I think it is a fair analogy. I do not judge a soul I know. I have friends who have cheated, lied, stole, hurt people, and so on. I still have them as friends as they are who they are. People cannot be changed and it is about what they do and how they do it. As in there is a line you can cross, but if you stay on the edge then you are fine.

Now I am not one for tempting people into going to rob a bank. However, I do tempt people into knowledge. I believe knowledge is something everyone should gain and sometimes to gain knowledge you have to actually do something. Reading about an event or drug, or watching a video on it, does not truly explain how it is. Did the videos in High School really teach you how pot affects you? When you did it was it anything like they said it would be? It was something that had to be tried and experienced to truly understand why people do it. To gain experiences I will always point friends down the road that will teach them something, but unlike the snake I will watch out for them and stand beside them to keep them from trouble.

So being the fractured soul I am with part of me on the side of good and part of me on the side of fun I have become a keeper. The person people feel fine sharing dark secrets and multiple sins with. When a friend cheats I am the person who gets the call as they cry, or brag, about it because they know I will stay silent. I see no reason to harm friends and cause them unwanted drama. If you are someone I do not like then I see no reason to keep your secrets, but I will never betray a friend or even burn a bridge. So I sit silently in my own Garden of Evil watching the children play with each other and listen to the whispers off the wind of the little adventures they have had never letting then go any farther.

Now why write about this when all who know me pretty much know this? Because in the end one thing that bothers me is how many secrets I know. How many of my friends tell me things about other people. How much goes on in the background. How many whispers breeze by me. All I cannot tell and all I have to keep to myself as they all wrap around each other. The drunk friend who says he wants to leave his mate, the pregnant girl afraid to tell her boyfriend the truth, the woman who cheated and wishes she could leave her man, and many more. All linked to people I know. All encased in friendship and having to be forgotten to save what friendship remains.

Guess part of wanting to be the invisible figure moving the pieces on the board means you have to know what everyone can do. You have to learn the secrets of the pieces to best play them. There is a move in Chess called castling. It is where you move the rook over two spaces and the king over to spaces so the rook is now on the other side of the king. This is done in one move and is a special move of the game. So if you know about it's secret you can use it, but if you simply read the rules and how pieces move you would never know about it. In life I guess I am the one who learns the strategies, but have to give up a lot to do it.

Can one who has a shattered mind and a fractured soul become a truly great player in this game of life? Guess as I keep gaining knowledge and trying to lead others down the right roads I feel they need to be down I will learn the truth. Here is hoping in the end I am not the one laying down my king.
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One Piece at a Time [Nov. 7th, 2008|08:31 am]
[Current Location |Work]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |Twiztid - We Don't Die]

*lines up the pieces on the board*

You know what is one of the reasons I think I fell in love with chess? Because when I was taught to set up the pieces I did not know where the queen and king went. Then I had an explanation given to me I have never forgotten; "The bitch always gets her way". Meaning the queen always goes on her own color. I think at that point I saw just exactly how chess affected everything and how within it you can find a lot of connections to the world around us.

*moves the knight out from hiding in front of the pawns*

See like life everyone has their place. We are all pieces with different abilities. Some of us live by a certain set of rules while others live by their set of rules. We move through life either taking out other pieces, being taken out, or meekly hiding along the side hoping no one catches us and that we can make it to the end to become something better.

*slides my pawns into a picket fence design*

To me the greatest mirroring of life that chess does is how all the pieces are moved by an invisible force. Those pieces do not know how they got there or even why they are there. But the pieces are set up so they have to be moved. This unseen and unknown force moves the pieces. Battles are fought between the pieces over this unknown force that just put them on this board for reasons they do not understand. Then if the greater power was not enough there is this king they have to defend. A king who is willing to sacrifice all pieces to save his own head.

*castles my rook and king*

Now why am I bringing this all up? Because in life we are all called pawns. We are not the rooks, the bishops, or the knights. We are the pawn who line up in front of those who matter to take the blunt of the damage. We are here to distract the other pieces from the ones who matter as they do sneaky things behind our backs. I am not fond of being a pawn. To sit back and just move one slow step at a time so that some power to be can line me up with the rook while the queen sneaks to take out a knight.

*lines my queen to the bishop putting the king in check*

Do not let the world make you a pawn. Do not blindly fall on to the board and follow some force that is just using you. Do not take the blunt of their damage so that the king and smile in the back and take all the credit when he is standing at the end. Every game has two powers, two sides, and two sets of pieces. The options of what you can do and be is huge. make your own choice of if you are going to be moved, protected, or do the moving.

*slides down my bishop and tips over the king*

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This is Halloween [Oct. 31st, 2008|02:57 pm]
[Current Location |Work]
[mood |mischievousmischievous]
[music |ICP - Every Halloween]

Gotta love Halloween. This is the greatest, darkest, most morbid Holiday ever and I love it with all of my darkened soul. Kids get to be monsters, monsters get to act like kids, no one is what they seem, and the night brings out all the fun and taboos of life for everyone to enjoy. How can you beat that?

A Little sad Devil's Night was not that entertaining and nothing really made the news. Remember when this used to be huge? Then again I think that was because of The Crow movie making it a widely known thing to all the little goth girls and boys who did not know there was an extra day of terror in the world. Ah The Crow... bringing trenchcoats and face make-up back into the norm. Now how many people dressed like the Crow do you plan to see tonight? I am guessing 5 minimum.

Okay so now I am ranting, but the point is that tonight is the greatest night of the year and all should go cause mischief while you can still claim "It was a Halloween prank" and only get a slap on the wrist.

- War
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Best Friends and Pet Peeves [Oct. 30th, 2008|09:48 am]
[Current Location |Work]
[mood |irritatedirritated]
[music |Zombie Girl - Creepy Crawler]

There are several things in this world I hate. Some of them are obvious and some of them are just stupid, but they bug me. That makes them my pet peeve. They are the things that just rub me the wrong way. The little things that make me pissed off anywhere from a few minutes to several days. I hate them and everything about them.

Only thing that makes pet peeves worse is when they are done by someone who is a best friend. Best friends are people you should love and be able to forgive. The kind of person who could stab you in the back, but when they pull the knife and bandage the wound you give them that hug and rebuild what was once there. That is a true close friend and best friend. Someone you cannot stay mad at and someone who can always forgive you and be forgiven.

This makes for the most annoying fucking conflicts. I hate when someone I care about a lot does something that just gets my hair standing on end. That kind of thing that makes you want to slap them, but you look at them and bite your tongue. Your anger has nowhere to go. It just builds up in you and you have to try and force yourself over it to find the new happiness and move on with your friendship.

Yesterday was a day full of these little annoyances. These things that bother me to the point I just want to fucking scream my lungs out and put my friends in their place. Then you realize though your pet peeves are your pet peeves. Can you blame your friends for not knowing them? I mean if it does not bother them why would they think twice about it being an issue for you?

Then to make things worse when the pet peeve is a dumb one. Something that bothers you for no reason you can truly explain, or if you can explain it sounds dumb, so you have to face the fact you will be mocked for your anger. having friends who will lay into you for having dumb feelings is not always bad but when dealing with a pet peeve it bothers me internally eternally.

Now I sit here with no way to get these feelings out and to just slap on a smile and move on. Why? Because that is what a friend does. You care about your friends so you suck it up and live with the stupidity and hopefully just move on. I am so tired of sitting on my feelings for the sake of others, but I do not want to be some cruel asshole. I am trying to get away from that. Life is so much fun when you have pet peeves and best friends.
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Yeah.... bored [Oct. 28th, 2008|08:21 am]
[Current Location |work]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |Dexter in the background]

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 66%
Stability |||||||||||| 42%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 54%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 66%
Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Religious |||| 16%
Hedonism |||||||||||| 50%
Materialism |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Narcissism |||||||||| 36%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 43%
Humanitarian |||||||||||| 50%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||| 70%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 70%
Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 43%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56%
Wealth || 10%
Dependency |||||||||||| 50%
Change averse |||||||||| 36%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Peter pan complex |||||| 23%
Family drive |||||||||||||| 56%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||| %
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70%
Vanity |||||| 30%
Honor |||||||||||||||| 70%
Thriftiness |||||||||||||||| 63%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com
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Friends [Oct. 25th, 2008|02:31 pm]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |enragedenraged]
[music |Dark Lotus - Juggalo Family]

I think I gotta stretch a bit before I drop this. It has been so long since I have ranted on this thing. Can I remember how to rant even? Hell yeah I can. If you think I stop ranting just because I do not post it in here then you have paid no attention to this journal back when it was updated all the time. I rant to rant. Burn off the aggression and tell people exactly where I think they stand.

Truth is lately I have been getting more and more at pissed at people who call themselves my friends. Hell recently someone who had risen up to be one of my best friend out right just stabbed me in the back as far as I am concerned. See she does not mean to do bad things, but she has this great thing where she does not deal with emotions. So she does not know when shit she does hurts people and she does not know how to handle it when they tell her she hurt them. But then recently she fucking broke her word to me and you know what that just pissed me off. Oh well, life fucking moves on. There is always another day whether you like it or not.

I have found recently that I really cannot rely or trust almost anyone. Life is sort of built around people living in groups. See your group can visit other groups and you can play with another group, but never be an idiot and think that is your group. People can just not handle having several groups of friends and being their for everybody. Instead they are there for specific people and then forget the rest in their times of needs. Yeah some people earn the fact they get forgotten, but then some people are just good people who get fucked over because the group in question cannot handle shit.

Recently I have found some damn good friends who I know if I called on would be there for me. People who I trust to get shit done and stand by me. The kind of friends who if I got my dumb ass into a fight they would step behind me and even if we may lose they would throw down with me. What more can you ask for? Funny part is these are the people everyone makes fun of. The losers of the world as we have been called. The freaks, the juggalos, the crazy, and the people who people just walk away from.

I would trust these people with my lives, but since i have left this site truth is I have gotten soft. I have let people walk over me and have developed a conscience and have been giving people a lot more love and attention than they deserve. Kind of funny to me as I had a friend tell me I am too extreme. Either pissed or content, sad or happy, devious or angelic, and so on. Guess it is time to finally give up on being a nice guy to everyone. Time to find that balance between being an ass because the world needs to wake the fuck up, but not hurting everyone because of some other stupid fuck's problems.

I tried to be the nice guy... I got told I am too open and cheery... me? Are you kidding me? When in the fucking Hell did that happen? I blame my job. I have to work with so many people I had to learn to be nicer and the nicer I got there the more it bled into my life. Oh gods how I used to leave work and tear shit up because of them and get just angry at everyone and every thing. Then I just got used to it and as I got used to it I stopped doing things I loved. It is time to come home to my dark side. Go back to that inner hatred of the world and choosing my battles. Put the idiots in their place and put the friends on their pedastals.

Though I have learned a few things. I am not gonna be as arrogant as I was, I am not gonna hurt people I love, and I am not gonna use people for what I want and then move on. No reason to become the person I hate out of hatred for the world and wanting to watch it burn.

I really do need to update this journal. Hopefully I will have time to do that tomorrow. I have forgotten just about everything about editing an LJ. Oh well guess as things change they can also revert. Feels good to rant again. If you got friends who hurt you and fucked you over tell them and get shit solved. If they can't handle it then make them. No one gets better by ignoring a problem. I am back for better or worse.
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